Self-sabotaging.

It can come in many other forms besides just drugs, crime, self-cutting, etc.

It took me awhile to see this, but I have most recently discovered that I am my own worst enemy; meaning that I am the only one who’s sabotaging myself and my life. And trust me, that was a hard pill for me to swallow.

Most recently, the Lord Jesus has shown me just how MUCH I’ve been self-sabotaging myself and my relationships in my life and also just how MUCH my life would be different if I were to lean on him and TRUST him, instead of just always trying to do things MY way.

I’ve seen Christians judging other Christians right and left and I always used to say to myself “I’ll never be like one of those”. Looking back however, it kind’ve reminds me of the parable/story in the bible where two men go to pray. One of them says “thank you Lord that I am not like THOSE men” while the other man said “oh Lord, please have mercy on me, a sinner!” The first man was a Pharisee and the second man was a poor man. And in my own self-righteousness in my past, I became like the Pharisee (something I had always sworn to myself that I’d never become).

But anyways, back to the story. So due to my employment struggles and life struggles, I began to feel disillusioned and like the whole entire world was against me (even those close to me). I began to think negative thoughts of myself and others over time (I admit this to my shame) and then, it wasn’t long before the “resentment” started to eat away at me and consume me. I then became VERY pessimistic of a person and even downright “irritated” with people who were happy and joyous in life or that trusted the Lord completely. (Though deep, deep down, I was jealous. I wanted to trust the Lord as much as THEY did and to also feel the joy that THEY feel, being right with God). But the Devil kept tearing away at me night and day saying “you’re already too far gone, there’s no hope for you” and “Jesus hates you now”.

And for awhile there (I also admit this to my shame), I started believing the Devil’s lies. And it wasn’t long before I wasn’t able to trust anyone or ANY THING in my life. Whenever someone was friendly with me, I’d say to myself “yeah right, they’re being fake with me”. Whenever a guy would try to innocently look at me or ask me out, I’d say “yeah right, he probably only wants one thing”. Whenever I had a friend say to me “don’t worry about your past friends that stabbed you in the back, I never would”, I’d think “yeah right, you’re probably just as bad if not WORST than my other friends”. And whenever I’d get a job interview and wouldn’t get the job, I’d assume the worst and just start to automatically shut down and give up saying to myself “my gosh, if THIS place won’t hire me, then probably NOBODY will hire me!”

It even got to the point where I was even starting to get paranoid, fearing that people were talking bad about me at the grocery store, at the gas station, etc. And I even started to blame the people most close to me for all the things that were going wrong in my life, even.

Only most recently did Jesus Christ open up my eyes by more or less spiritually saying to me “Ya know what? Next to Satan, you’re your own worst sabotager and own worst enemy that I know”. He then raised his voice a little in the dream and more or less asked “WHY WON’T YOU WAIT ON ME AND TRUST ME? DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING? ESPECIALLY SINCE I CREATED THE UNIVERSE AND THE HEAVENS AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN? WHY WON’T YOU TRUST ME? I **DO** HAVE A PLAN, AFTERALL….IF YOU WILL ABIDE IN ME, THAT IS….” (there seemed to be some sort of doubt or hesitation in his voice about rather or not I would abide in him or not).

But one thing is clear: the only person responsible for all the actions in my life (rather good or bad) is me, myself and I. It’s not my loved ones’ fault that I’m depressed and having trouble finding employment these days. It’s not my loves ones’ fault that none of my relationships have been successful so far. All of it is attributed to ME. Because the truth is, I’m depressed, having trouble finding employment and have yet to have a successful relationship DUE to the fact that I had most recently strayed from the Lord. And this is just the Lord chastising me.

The Lord had said to me “write this person a letter and apologize”. I didn’t do it for the longest time. The Lord said “ask this person the question ‘what are your thoughts on life & God?’ ” and I didn’t do it. The Lord said “apply for this part-time job or perhaps that one”. I didn’t do it. Instead, I just sat around and wallowed in my own self-misery for a long time, with a “woe is me” attitude. And look where that got me! It got me absolutely NOWHERE!

So please…..I beg of you! DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I’VE MADE, MOST RECENTLY! Don’t sabotage the good things in your life out of distrust or fear. Don’t refuse to obey the commands of the Lord. TRUST JESUS AND WAIT ON JESUS CHRIST and have the total FAITH that he will see you through, no matter what! Do NOT make the same mistake I did and find yourself in front of the face of Jesus in a dream with Jesus turning to you and saying that next to Satan, you are your own worst sabotager and greatest enemy!

Moral of the story? TRUST JESUS CHRIST ALWAYS……..NO MATTER WHAT. Faith is EVERYTHING. For we can not enter Jesus Christ’s “New Earth” someday without faith. Faith is the thing that will either make us or break us in the end. So please, I beg of you. If you don’t have faith, PRAY to have faith. Pray to have more faith with ALL your heart, ALL your mind, ALL your body, and ALL your spirit and it shall be granted you. MARK MY WORDS!


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