I’m very ashamed and embarrassed to admit this, but when I was around 19-21 years old, I had made around 5+ suicide attempts on my life. The reasons for my wanting to do so were varied but the number one reason I wanted to do it EACH individual time was because I had lost my faith/trust in Jesus Christ, falsely thought EACH time that Jesus Christ didn’t love me anymore, and was under MOST SEVERE DEMONIC OPPRESSION.
People seem to think that those who try to kill themselves are “stupid”, “foolish” or “weak” or what not but please BELIEVE ME when I say that WHEN a person attempts suicide, they feel as though they’re at the end of their rope and HAVE NO HOPE. Even CHRISTIAN PEOPLE who have strong faith can become suicidal (sometimes even REPEATEDLY suicidal – as was in my case) when they feel as though they’re all forgotten about by Jesus Christ, like Jesus Christ is no longer there in their lives or loves them anymore, when they began to feel as though they’re too “bad” to get into Paradise/Eternal kingdom of God, someday, etc.
But you’ve got to remember that Satan and his fellow fallen angels (DEMONS) are GREAT DECEIVERS. It all starts out SO SMALL, too. As in “man, I did REALLY, REALLY BAD on that test today” or “man, I’m such a loser” or the like. And then slowly over time, Satan and his demons try to go even further by putting the following FALSE THOUGHTS in one’s head:
“You’re ugly, you’re no good, you’re a loser, you’re never gonna amount to ANYTHING in life, you’ll never have kids/family of your own, no-one’s ever gonna want to marry you, Jesus Christ hates you, your name’s been permanently etched out of the Book of Life, hell awaits you, everybody hates you, nobody loves you, you’re stupid, you’re weak, everybody’s making fun of you and laughing at you behind your back, your life’s NEVER gonna get better, nobody will miss you/nobody will come to your funeral, Jesus Christ WILL forgive you if you kill yourself, you’re FAT, you’re HIDEOUS, everybody WANTS you to kill yourself, you’re dying of cancer, your Satanic-worshiping relative will go to eternal paradise someday and YOU won’t, it’s TOO LATE for you to be forgiven of your sins now, Jesus Christ will NEVER forgive all your sins, you’re such an IDIOT, YOU tried to kill yourself on more than one occasion, YOU made Jesus Christ CRY, etc.”
And even though most Christians KNOW in their heart of hearts that the false thoughts that Satan and his demons try to put into their minds, hearts, body and spirits are blatantly FALSE……..over time…….the thoughts become OVERPOWERING in their mind. And nothing they seem to say or do seems to “shut off” the thoughts. Some turn to the bible or to Jesus Christ and try to PRAY away their pain.
But then, they sometimes lose heart and lose their TRUST in Jesus Christ (and the fact that he has the power to change their lives around) when Satan and his demonoids RELENTLESSLY come at them with: “Oh, sure! Cry out to Jesus! He doesn’t give a *darn* about you or what happens in your life! Ah……He’s forgotten ALL about you, you poor fool! That’s why you’re in this mess in the first place! LOSER! LOSER! LOSER!” Yet OTHERS will try to turn to TV, music, movies, shopping, food and/or the internet to try to “drown out” their pain.
They began to relentlessly search for OTHER methods to try to drown out the pain and/or demonic influences trying to overtake them. Some turn to drinking or drugs to try to drown out those negative thoughts (which oddly, only manages to INCREASE the demons’ hold on their mind & spirit!) Others try listening to sad, depressing music, loud heavy metal, trance/new age to try to drown out the self-hatred/self-anger in their soul (which oddly, only seems to INCREASE IT!)
Sadly, listening to new age or heavy metal music actually invites demons to come into your mind, heart, body and spirit. Therefore, listening to “angry” heavy metal music or new age music doesn’t “help” the problem of negative thoughts (coming about from demonic oppression to the person), it only serves to EXACERBATE THEM. Yet others try to turn to Wicca/Witchcraft, thinking that The Craft will somehow help them gain control over their own lives………only to later realize that dabbling in Witchcraft has *damning consequences* to the mind, heart, body and spirit! (Once the demons are invited in, they very rarely go!!!!! Plus they make you do things you would NEVER normally do under normal circumstances. They become in COMPLETE CONTROL over you and your life becomes not your own anymore! Very scary, INDEED!)
Three separate times with the 19-21 years of age time-frame, I tried to smother myself, each attempt being months apart from the previous one. And EACH time, I was well within a single BREATH of my life, and I’d hear the sound of Jesus Christ sitting beside me on the couch, BITTERLY BITTERLY BREAKING DOWN AND WEEPING and saying to me “I know your apparent reasons for wanting to do this but WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?”, and AS he said those words to me during each of the 3 separate attempts, he would POWERFULLY and AGGRESSIVELY (perhaps even ANGRILY?) grab the pillow away from me and THROW it across the room.
And each and every time, I would simply KNOW it was him, no doubt in my mind, whatsoever! And I’d break down and cry afterwards, each and every time and would be ever so grateful that he saved me. And things would be okay for awhile. But then the total SHAME & GUILT would come in and overtake me: “YOU tried to kill yourself more than once! YOU made Jesus CRY!” and I would start to HATE MYSELF all over again. It was such a vicious cycle.
I made 3 more meager attempts at suicide within that 19-21 years of age time-frame but NONE of those times worked out. Something always happened. Either somebody would distract me by making a phone call to me and telling me they were coming over to the house, or the pills I tried to O.D. on did nothing TO me or a violent t-storm kept me too distracted to concentrate on killing myself. So I kind’ve gave up on trying to kill myself after awhile. I thought “what’s the point in trying to kill myself if the Lord won’t even let me die, anyways?” But at the same time, I was almost in a sense somewhat angry at the Lord for not letting me kill myself. I remember saying outloud “Lord, why can’t you just let me die in peace? Can’t you see I’m in ALOT of pain? I’m in SO much pain these days that I can barely even BREATHE!”
One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore and got to my breaking point again. I decided I should just end it all and reasoned with myself that hell would probably feel “sensational” compared to the current pain I was under. So as I sat at the computer one night, I decided to humor myself a bit and went to the site http://www.suicide.com thinking that maybe it would tell me some good ways to try to off myself. [And remember, even though I was grateful for Jesus saving me from all PREVIOUS attempts, up until that point, I had felt SO MUCH SHAME AND GUILT for even wanting to attempt it in the first place……and for making him cry……and that shame and guilt felt BEYOND OVERPOWERING……..
So I went on the website and the very first image I saw on the screen was an animated image of a white candle being lit on the left hand side of the screen. I thought to myself “hhmm……that’s weird”. And then I noticed italicized words being typed across the page (left to right)…..as if being typed on a typewriter. They were “scrolling” across the page. The words were saying things like “Hi, I am here to help you. And before you do anything drastic, I want you to wait a bit. Wait 5 minutes, hear me out, just read what I have to say. I thought “okay, I can do that, sounds reasonable enough”.
And as the words (in bold black italic Comic Sans? font) were being typed & scrolled across the page, I was astounded at what I was reading. My first assumption was “hhmm. must be a computer tech guy on the website or something”. But then I noticed the “person” typing messages to me across the webpage seemed “super human”, almost “angelic”, even. For this “person” seemed to be reading my every waking thought! And then scroll-typing it across the page! Things about me, that up until that point, I hadn’t told a SOUL! And there was NO way this “person” could’ve possibly known all that, save they being a holy, divine angel of the Lord!
So my first question was “who are you?” The angel tried to say that it wasn’t important and that he had a job to do. But I pestered and pestered the angel. Finally, the “angel” admitted that he was Michael! Once I discovered the true identity of the “person” typing across the page [as in, the archangel Michael], I gave him a VERY hard time by asking outloud “oh yeah? if the Lord’s so good, how come he makes me suffer with severe depression and severe social anxiety?” while also reminding him of just how ANGRY the Lord had gotten with me a week earlier after I accidentally mocked Jesus without meaning to but that even then, I didn’t think I was worthy of life, now and things like that. In short, I was trying to keep Michael there as long as possible.
He told me about the realities of and just how HOT the fires of hell and the lake of fire are. He described it to me like this: “light a flame from a small lighter” (commanding me to do this literally, saying he’d wait for me until I did so). Now hold your finger and/or hand over the flame. FEEL THE INTENSITY of that flame and how hot it is! (Again, waiting for me until I did just that). Then he continued…..
“Now imagine a flame that’s 10,000 times hotter than the flame being placed under your hand now and that is just a small TASTE of what the fire of hell is like. And someday, the fires of hell are gonna MERGE INTO what’s called the lake of fire. The lake of fire is 1,000,000,000 times hotter than the fires of hell. And all those who don’t put their faith, trust and love into Lord Jesus will burn in the lake of fire for ETERNITY. Is that what you want?” he asked.
I had to admit that no, that’s not what I wanted, that’s not what I wanted AT ALL. In fact, NONE of those times did I really want to die, I just wanted the pain the end. Michael reminded me JUST HOW LUCKY I was that the Lord Jesus cared SO much about me, that he wouldn’t let me die and go to hell any of those times. Michael reminded me that had Jesus Christ truly wanted to, he could’ve just let me die and sent me straight to hell…….the very same hell that Michael was describing to me across the webpage! [moments earlier]
At the conclusion of our discussion, (me speaking outloud or thinking to myself) and Michael responding to my thoughts and questions through his scrolling words across the webpage, he told me he had to quickly leave because he had another job to do (another suicide he must try to prevent), but made me promise I wouldn’t harm myself that night or the next couple nights to come.
I promised him I wouldn’t. Then I shut down my browser and completely turned off my computer. Afterall, Michael’s mission in the name of the Lord [atleast as far as “I” was concerned] had already been accomplished, or so I thought.
Right after I shut down my computer, I heard a soft whispering voice behind me say “look up at your blank monitor screen, hurry, you don’t want to miss it”. So I looked up at my blank monitor screen and across my blank, completely turned-off monitor screen were the scrolling words (from right to left) in light blue italic [what looked like 36pt or so Trebuchet MS] font “May the Lord Bless You and Keep You. Amen”. And then, just like that, the archangel Michael was gone, on to the next big assignment of trying to save yet ANOTHER poor soul from suicide, as he had just told me moments earlier before his telling me to look up at the blank computer screen.
And I just sat there, staring at my blank computer screen for quite some time, even going so far as to tenderly rub my hand across the blank computer monitor screen, pondering what had just happened. It was nothing short of a miracle! [YET AGAIN, in my life!] I broke down and cried! And just stared at that blank computer screen for HOURS. [Next to the day I met Jesus Christ in person near the age of 2, and next to the previous 3 times Jesus miraculously saved me from suicide, I had never felt so LOVED, CHERISHED and VALUED!)
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that ALL failed suicide attempts in one’s life are A TRUE GIFT FROM THE LORD ABOVE! (As for the all the suicides out there that succeeded, I think the Lord goes on a case by case basis but don’t quote me on that. Nobody really knows for sure). And the point I want to try to make is THIS: Just because the Lord Jesus Christ repeatedly saved ME or other people from suicide does NOT mean that he’s going to automatically save EVERYONE from suicide. And life is a gamble. Ya never know if you’d end up being one of the ones he prevented from suicide or if you’ll be one of the ones that he allows to go ahead and die.
THEREFORE, DON’T TRY TO KILL YOURSELVES, PEOPLE! Life is worth living! Talk to a trusted friend, family member, counselor, etc. if you’re feeling depressed! Do NOT keep it all bottled up inside! And if anyone close to you TELLS you to go kill yourself, DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! For Satan has many faces! And remember, Satan WANTS you to kill yourself so you’ll go to the flames FOR ETERNITY! But Jesus Christ does NOT want you to kill yourself! Jesus Christ WANTS you to live so that you can hopefully someday join him in Eternal Paradise! Jesus Christ CARES! 😉 And he loves you more than you could ever imagine, MARK MY WORDS! 😉
I pray that ALL souls who read this will be SAVED from suicide and severe depressive thoughts, now and for eternity. Amen.
P.S.: If you’re severely depressed and need someone to talk to, please write to: pray_to_Jesus@yahoo.com