For those who don’t yet know my testimony or my story, I’ll give a brief overview here:

I had met Jesus personally during a couple of near-death experiences (one at around 23 months of age and another at just 14 years old). And at age 19, I knew who Jesus was. I had a huge children’s illustrated bible at my disposal (shortly after near-death experience #1), as well as the “official” KJV version I took from a ski resort condo when I was 15.

But at age 19-20, I still had NO IDEA what a “Christian” even WAS, the full extent to WHAT Jesus had done for mankind on the cross, or about any of the “meanings” of the words (“grace”, “born again”, “salvation”, etc.) of what I was reading in the “official” version of the KJV bible I was reading. I was really struggling to understand what it all meant. Well, one day in the mail, I got a invitation to a play (put on by a church) called: “Heaven’s Gate and Hell’s Flames”.

At first, I didn’t want to go. I thought I’d feel like the odd one out compared to all the people who’d been going to church their whole lives! However, after some grappling with the Lord over it, (i.e. remember when Moses got nervous about being the spokesman of Israel?) I decided to bite the bullet and take a chance and go, anyways! Well, I’m glad I did! First of all, I guy I had gone to High-School with had played the part of one of the angels! So hey, atleast I knew SOMEONE there, right?

And after the play, they handed out some FREE literature (Specifically, a small, brand-new pocket-sized “God’s Word: New Testament & Psalms). They told me to read it, look over it and then call them if I had any questions about what I was reading. They also assigned to me something called a “prayer accountability partner”, even though I didn’t really know what that meant at the time. And even though I was grateful for the FREE play and FREE literature, I was still somewhat hesitant about “attending church”. I just felt OVERWHELMED!

So I didn’t end up becoming a member of that church. Instead, I thanked them for the free bible and begun to read that God’s Word translation from cover to cover at home, in my own free time. But what really got me were the very first introductory pages! They just explained things to me SO WELL! Plus they even put the most important things IN BOLD! I knew that Jesus had some wonderful things in store for me by having them give me that easy-to-understand version of the New Testament! It’s just exactly what I needed at that time!

And as I begin to read and pour over the pages, I FINALLY began to understand what all those “words” meant (i.e. “grace”, “born again”, “salvation”), about what Jesus did, about how we’re all sinners and about how ONLY Jesus can save us from our sins! And so once I felt I had a firm grasp and understanding on THAT God’s Word translation, I quickly decided I was then gonna read the “official” King James Version, cover to cover, no matter how long it took!

(Please keep in mind that I had NO job at this point, had broken up with my S.O. AND had gotten kicked out of college! I was living off of savings/credit cards at that point. So for 8 months straight, that’s how Jesus orchestrated that time in my life so that it was just me and Him at that time! And what a wonderful BLESSING that turned out to be! Jesus was giving me a break from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE so that I could PEACEFULLY learn more about HIM and HIS GOSPEL!)

I understood most of everything I had read and was “amazed” at all the “love stories” (Boaz and Ruth, Jacob and Rachel, Isaac and Rebekah) that I had read! And I was young and filled with promise! I thought: “Hey, if it could happen to these folks in the bible, it can happen to ME, too!” I had this idea or picture in my mind that I’d meet my spouse by the age of 25, have kids by 30, and have a house by 35! In fact, don’t we ALL have pre-conceived notions in our mind like that?

So even though I had the KNOWLEDGE of Jesus and his gospel by age 21, I didn’t quite yet have the FAITH in Jesus that’s required! And so, for many years afterwards, that LACK OF FAITH in Jesus (concerning my love-life and considering other areas of my life) did me some SERIOUS HARM!

In fact, I was “mad at Jesus” for not bringing me a spouse for such a long, long time! I’m ashamed to even type this across the page but my “thoughts” for a LONG time concerning my love-life were the following: “Jesus, you bring EVERYONE ELSE a spouse but not ME! Why? What’s wrong with ME? What are you punishing ME for? What wrong have “I” done against thee? Why am “I” not so-called deserving of a spouse but yet, other people seemingly ARE? Those people don’t even worship you AT ALL and they got a spouse before me! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Tell me WHY!!!!???” 

I ended up not only being angry and bitter for MANY YEARS towards a few people that had majorly hurt me in my life but I also later ended up in FOUR consecutive abusive relationships! (Note: I had gotten so tired of “waiting on God” at that particular point in my life that I decided to “take matters into my own hands”).

Though none of them were physically abusive (I atleast got lucky in THAT regard), they were all emotionally, psychologically, mentally and SPIRITUALLY ABUSIVE! They CUT AWAY at my self-esteem, made me doubt myself, somewhat made me doubt God/Jesus, tampered with my faith, got me feeling VERY hopeless and depressed and ALMOST completely RUINED ME as a Christian! 

I had SO MUCH HATE in my heart towards the individuals who hurt me. “How could they?” I thought: “Jesus, how could you ALLOW that to happen to me at the hands of these people? Don’t you care about me AT ALL, Jesus?“ I was in this bitter, bitter place of anger, hurt, resentment, restlessness and mental/emotional ANGUISH! I was TORMENTED by the angered hatred I felt for those those individuals!

Odd thing is, I didn’t even really WANT to hate those individuals but my PRIDE got in the way of that! Even when Jesus gently said to me in my spirit: “Told ya so! You should’ve listened to me and done things MY way, instead of your OWN way”, I was STILL stubborn about it. “But you don’t understand, Lord! You don’t understand what it’s like to be ME!” And the Lord seemed to say to me in my spirit, in response: “I CREATED you! I know you better than you even know YOURSELF!” 

It wasn’t really until I was about 30 years old or so that Jesus began to “soften” my heart towards the individuals who had hurt me and I began to see how my hate and resentment was EATING AWAY AT ME ON THE INSIDE! The Holy Spirit even revealed to me that my “hate” was eating away at MY SOUL! Wow! What a powerful, convicting description!

Eventually, I surrendered all that hurt, anger, fear, resentment to Jesus. I prayed: “Jesus, I don’t WANT to hate or resent anymore, it’s already taken SO MUCH from me! I WANT to be able to FORGIVE, so please HELP ME to FORGIVE and MOVE ON, as I know I can’t do it alone……only WITH your divine help, Lord!“

And ya know what? Jesus IS faithful and true! He DID help me to forgive them. He pointed out SEVERAL things to me. First of all, he informed me that the people who hurt me were themselves hurting on the inside. Secondly, they didn’t even fully consciously realize how much they had hurt me. Thirdly, Jesus wanted me to know that it wasn’t my fault and that their OWN healing would ALSO someday come about BY my forgiving them! Wow! Such powerful words of wisdom!

And AS I forgave them [Jesus had me starting out by writing “forgiveness letters” to each person who had hurt me – though I had never hand-delivered the letters to them personally], I felt SO MUCH BAGGAGE lift OFF of me and my SPIRIT! I felt FREE for the first time in a VERY long time! My SOUL felt FREE! I felt PEACE! I felt LOVE! I felt JOY! I felt CONTENTMENT!

I no longer had “heart palpitations” or “anxiety attacks!” It was like a HUGE ANCHOR had been LIFTED off of me! I no longer felt “weighed down” by anger and hate! In fact, I was the happiest I had ever been! In fact, people started to notice. The relationships with the people who had hurt me began to DRASTICALLY improve! It was nothing short of a MIRACLE! (This was when I was around age 34 or so, I believe?)

However, even at 34, there was still alot of “spiritual work” to be done! Because at THAT point in my life, I STILL had no idea about the TRUTH about church history, the Judeo roots of Christianity, etc. I would learn all of that later (like, age 36 or so). It’s funny how the Lord reveals things to me in “stages”. Sometimes, I wish he’d reveal things to me all at once, but that’s a different post for a different day! 😉 Jesus has also (in the last several months) helped me to soften my heart towards HIMSELF, concerning certain things in my life! 

Okay, now fast forward to today. Even though I’ve been a Christian for about 20 years now, I’ve only most recently learned what Jesus expects for a GODLY RELATIONSHIP (be it a relationship, a friendship, a marriage, etc.) And what I learned in the series just BLEW ME AWAY! Wow! How had I not ever seen this before? And then I got to thinking. How many OTHERS out there have not seen this before? Probably SEVERAL! 

I’ve most recently viewed an 8-part series and a powerful one-hour+ sermon on the matter. And ALL of them were eye-opening! And ALL of them ask the same questions: “Am I seeking a spouse with the RIGHT spiritual mind, heart and attitude before God? If not, why? If so, is it GOD’S time for me to have a spouse yet? If not, am I willing to wait on God instead of giving in to my own selfish desires? And if already married, am I bringing Christ INTO the marriage?” 

I will embed all the videos down below. [NOTE: PLEASE GET OUT A PEN AND PAPER AND TAKE LOTS OF NOTES!!!!!] I pray and hope that these will help you and enlighten you as much as they helped and enlightened ME! 😉 The first video is entitled “5 Keys To Identifying Your SoulMate” by Toure Roberts in L.A. and the next SEVERAL videos are the 8-PART series by Michael Todd from Transformation Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma!