Posts tagged ‘self-doubt’

IMPORTANT: What Jesus WANTS For *Godly Relationships!*

For those who don’t yet know my testimony or my story, I’ll give a brief overview here:

I had met Jesus personally during a couple of near-death experiences (one at around 23 months of age and another at just 14 years old). And at age 19, I knew who Jesus was. I had a huge children’s illustrated bible at my disposal (shortly after near-death experience #1), as well as the “official” KJV version I took from a ski resort condo when I was 15.

But at age 19-20, I still had NO IDEA what a “Christian” even WAS, the full extent to WHAT Jesus had done for mankind on the cross, or about any of the “meanings” of the words (“grace”, “born again”, “salvation”, etc.) of what I was reading in the “official” version of the KJV bible I was reading. I was really struggling to understand what it all meant. Well, one day in the mail, I got a invitation to a play (put on by a church) called: “Heaven’s Gate and Hell’s Flames”.

At first, I didn’t want to go. I thought I’d feel like the odd one out compared to all the people who’d been going to church their whole lives! However, after some grappling with the Lord over it, (i.e. remember when Moses got nervous about being the spokesman of Israel?) I decided to bite the bullet and take a chance and go, anyways! Well, I’m glad I did! First of all, I guy I had gone to High-School with had played the part of one of the angels! So hey, atleast I knew SOMEONE there, right?

And after the play, they handed out some FREE literature (Specifically, a small, brand-new pocket-sized “God’s Word: New Testament & Psalms). They told me to read it, look over it and then call them if I had any questions about what I was reading. They also assigned to me something called a “prayer accountability partner”, even though I didn’t really know what that meant at the time. And even though I was grateful for the FREE play and FREE literature, I was still somewhat hesitant about “attending church”. I just felt OVERWHELMED!

So I didn’t end up becoming a member of that church. Instead, I thanked them for the free bible and begun to read that God’s Word translation from cover to cover at home, in my own free time. But what really got me were the very first introductory pages! They just explained things to me SO WELL! Plus they even put the most important things IN BOLD! I knew that Jesus had some wonderful things in store for me by having them give me that easy-to-understand version of the New Testament! It’s just exactly what I needed at that time!

And as I begin to read and pour over the pages, I FINALLY began to understand what all those “words” meant (i.e. “grace”, “born again”, “salvation”), about what Jesus did, about how we’re all sinners and about how ONLY Jesus can save us from our sins! And so once I felt I had a firm grasp and understanding on THAT God’s Word translation, I quickly decided I was then gonna read the “official” King James Version, cover to cover, no matter how long it took!

(Please keep in mind that I had NO job at this point, had broken up with my S.O. AND had gotten kicked out of college! I was living off of savings/credit cards at that point. So for 8 months straight, that’s how Jesus orchestrated that time in my life so that it was just me and Him at that time! And what a wonderful BLESSING that turned out to be! Jesus was giving me a break from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE so that I could PEACEFULLY learn more about HIM and HIS GOSPEL!)

I understood most of everything I had read and was “amazed” at all the “love stories” (Boaz and Ruth, Jacob and Rachel, Isaac and Rebekah) that I had read! And I was young and filled with promise! I thought: “Hey, if it could happen to these folks in the bible, it can happen to ME, too!” I had this idea or picture in my mind that I’d meet my spouse by the age of 25, have kids by 30, and have a house by 35! In fact, don’t we ALL have pre-conceived notions in our mind like that?

So even though I had the KNOWLEDGE of Jesus and his gospel by age 21, I didn’t quite yet have the FAITH in Jesus that’s required! And so, for many years afterwards, that LACK OF FAITH in Jesus (concerning my love-life and considering other areas of my life) did me some SERIOUS HARM!

In fact, I was “mad at Jesus” for not bringing me a spouse for such a long, long time! I’m ashamed to even type this across the page but my “thoughts” for a LONG time concerning my love-life were the following: Jesus, you bring EVERYONE ELSE a spouse but not ME! Why? What’s wrong with ME? What are you punishing ME for? What wrong have “I” done against thee? Why am “I” not so-called deserving of a spouse but yet, other people seemingly ARE? Those people don’t even worship you AT ALL and they got a spouse before me! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Tell me WHY!!!!???” 

I ended up not only being angry and bitter for MANY YEARS towards a few people that had majorly hurt me in my life but I also later ended up in FOUR consecutive abusive relationships! (Note: I had gotten so tired of “waiting on God” at that particular point in my life that I decided to “take matters into my own hands”).

Though none of them were physically abusive (I atleast got lucky in THAT regard), they were all emotionally, psychologically, mentally and SPIRITUALLY ABUSIVE! They CUT AWAY at my self-esteem, made me doubt myself, somewhat made me doubt God/Jesus, tampered with my faith, got me feeling VERY hopeless and depressed and ALMOST completely RUINED ME as a Christian! 

I had SO MUCH HATE in my heart towards the individuals who hurt me. “How could they?” I thought: “Jesus, how could you ALLOW that to happen to me at the hands of these people? Don’t you care about me AT ALL, Jesus? I was in this bitter, bitter place of anger, hurt, resentment, restlessness and mental/emotional ANGUISH! I was TORMENTED by the angered hatred I felt for those those individuals!

Odd thing is, I didn’t even really WANT to hate those individuals but my PRIDE got in the way of that! Even when Jesus gently said to me in my spirit: Told ya so! You should’ve listened to me and done things MY way, instead of your OWN way”, I was STILL stubborn about it. “But you don’t understand, Lord! You don’t understand what it’s like to be ME!” And the Lord seemed to say to me in my spirit, in response: “I CREATED you! I know you better than you even know YOURSELF!” 

It wasn’t really until I was about 30 years old or so that Jesus began to “soften” my heart towards the individuals who had hurt me and I began to see how my hate and resentment was EATING AWAY AT ME ON THE INSIDE! The Holy Spirit even revealed to me that my “hate” was eating away at MY SOUL! Wow! What a powerful, convicting description!

Eventually, I surrendered all that hurt, anger, fear, resentment to Jesus. I prayed: “Jesus, I don’t WANT to hate or resent anymore, it’s already taken SO MUCH from me! I WANT to be able to FORGIVE, so please HELP ME to FORGIVE and MOVE ON, as I know I can’t do it alone……only WITH your divine help, Lord!

And ya know what? Jesus IS faithful and true! He DID help me to forgive them. He pointed out SEVERAL things to me. First of all, he informed me that the people who hurt me were themselves hurting on the inside. Secondly, they didn’t even fully consciously realize how much they had hurt me. Thirdly, Jesus wanted me to know that it wasn’t my fault and that their OWN healing would ALSO someday come about BY my forgiving them! Wow! Such powerful words of wisdom!

And AS I forgave them [Jesus had me starting out by writing “forgiveness letters” to each person who had hurt me – though I had never hand-delivered the letters to them personally], I felt SO MUCH BAGGAGE lift OFF of me and my SPIRIT! I felt FREE for the first time in a VERY long time! My SOUL felt FREE! I felt PEACE! I felt LOVE! I felt JOY! I felt CONTENTMENT!

I no longer had “heart palpitations” or “anxiety attacks!” It was like a HUGE ANCHOR had been LIFTED off of me! I no longer felt “weighed down” by anger and hate! In fact, I was the happiest I had ever been! In fact, people started to notice. The relationships with the people who had hurt me began to DRASTICALLY improve! It was nothing short of a MIRACLE! (This was when I was around age 34 or so, I believe?)

However, even at 34, there was still alot of “spiritual work” to be done! Because at THAT point in my life, I STILL had no idea about the TRUTH about church history, the Judeo roots of Christianity, etc. I would learn all of that later (like, age 36 or so). It’s funny how the Lord reveals things to me in “stages”. Sometimes, I wish he’d reveal things to me all at once, but that’s a different post for a different day! 😉 Jesus has also (in the last several months) helped me to soften my heart towards HIMSELF, concerning certain things in my life! 

Okay, now fast forward to today. Even though I’ve been a Christian for about 20 years now, I’ve only most recently learned what Jesus expects for a GODLY RELATIONSHIP (be it a relationship, a friendship, a marriage, etc.) And what I learned in the series just BLEW ME AWAY! Wow! How had I not ever seen this before? And then I got to thinking. How many OTHERS out there have not seen this before? Probably SEVERAL

I’ve most recently viewed an 8-part series and a powerful one-hour+ sermon on the matter. And ALL of them were eye-opening! And ALL of them ask the same questions: “Am I seeking a spouse with the RIGHT spiritual mind, heart and attitude before God? If not, why? If so, is it GOD’S time for me to have a spouse yet? If not, am I willing to wait on God instead of giving in to my own selfish desires? And if already married, am I bringing Christ INTO the marriage?” 

I will embed all the videos down below. [NOTE: PLEASE GET OUT A PEN AND PAPER AND TAKE LOTS OF NOTES!!!!!] I pray and hope that these will help you and enlighten you as much as they helped and enlightened ME! 😉 The first video is entitled “5 Keys To Identifying Your SoulMate” by Toure Roberts in L.A. and the next SEVERAL videos are the 8-PART series by Michael Todd from Transformation Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma!

How Satan Destroys the Mind, Heart, Body, & Souls of People!

We’ve all probably seen movies like “The Exorcist”, “The Omen”, “The Unholy”, etc. But is that what the Devil’s REALLY like all the time, when he tempts or confronts humankind (rather religious or not) alike? Does he REALLY come full out with guns blazing all the time? Or is he more subtle in nature? Today, I submit to you that 9 times out of 10, he comes in a more subtle nature. He does NOT come out in such a way as to say “hi, I’m the devil and I’m here to deceive you, mhuahahahaha”.  He usually comes by way through the people and things that we are heavily influenced by (friends, family, coworkers, the music we listen to, the movies we watch, the videogames we play, etc.)

Now, does that mean he POSSESSES those people and those things? Sometimes he can and sometimes he will. But typically, he or his demons will speak his message THROUGH that person or THROUGH that movie or TV show or videogame. For example, maybe you have an Atheist friend that starts persecuting you for your faith (that’s the devil speaking through your friend). Or you have someone (a stranger or a coworker) come up and say a not so nice thing to/about you (again, the devil and his demons speaking through that person to try to make you feel bad about yourself).

Or perhaps your friends try to talk you into going to see some non-Christian movie (again, the devil speaking through your friends……as he knows you won’t listen to him directly, but maybe he can try to trick you through your friends, am I right?) Or you’ll just be sitting there reading your bible one day when all of a sudden, you just feel COMPLETELY hungry or COMPLETELY tired or the like. The spiritual attack on you by the devil is SO subtle that oftentimes, you don’t even see it happening. And that’s how the Devil rolls. Subtlety.  Because remember that his goal is to DECEIVE MANY. So how could he ever do that if he were to come full out with guns blazing, announcing who is from the get go? That would pretty much just defeat his purpose of deceiving many, now wouldn’t it?

But not only is he subtle, he is DETERMINED. He and his demons will STOP AT NOTHING until they get a humankind person to fall from grace. (And for the Jews that don’t already accept Jesus Christ as their Lord & Messiah, the Devil already gots a TWOFOLD HOLD on them, (for now), and I pray that the Lord Jesus Christ will soon rescue such out of Satan’s hands. But for the Jews that already DO accept Jesus Christ as their Lord & Messiah, Satan and his demons have to try to fight TEN TIMES HARDER to try to get that person to fall).

Basically, Satan’s technique is like the “stratagem” used in the movie “Mean Girls” where a girl’s bestfriend secretly helps her seek revenge against a popular girl by writing out an agenda on a chalkboard of all the things they’d have to ruin in the girl’s life so they could effectively ruin the popular girl. That’s how Satan rolls. He takes out his spiritual chalkboard, sort’ve speak, writes out a spiritual agenda how to ruin each and every humankind’s soul (rather religious or not) — ESPECIALLY the souls of Jews and Christians — and then goes down the list:

1. “Their marriage is good for right now? Okay, lets bring in exhibit A (attractive woman) and exhibit B (attractive man) into their respective lives and see if we can’t shake things up a bit in their marriage”. And then, together with his demons, (who oftentimes believe it or not, can actually “inhabit” the bodies of “the other man” or “the other woman”), Satan works to wreck havoc on that marriage. And if the two people IN that marriage aren’t submitting themselves to Christ & the gospel, they’re “easy pickins” for The Devil and his demons to swoop right in and destroy that marriage.

2. Once that marriage is destroyed, (IF it is destroyed), Satan and his demons will consult with the divorce lawyers and try to make each parties focus be about MONEY! And then after the divorce, Satan will send in some NEW people in their lives since God hates remarriage! In fact, the bible says that remarriage is only possible/blessed if one of the spouses had died (or if there’s “adultery”). But today, we see people being married and remarried 3 or more times. Marriage has become such a “cheap institution” and we have Satan and his demons to thank for that! ;(

3. If a person is not married/single, Satan will just keep going down through the list until he can find something that’ll make that person fall. Maybe a person struggles with food, alcohol or drug addiction. Maybe they’re lonely & isolated. Maybe they struggle with the sin of lust (rather in a relationship or not). Or perhaps a person has a strained relationship with a friend, family member, or coworker. Whatever it is, Satan knows our weak spots and he knows where to hit us hard.

4. Once we fall and “get knocked down”, spiritually speaking, Satan and his demons TRY TO KEEP US THERE! And how do they try to keep us there? By making us feel OVERCOME with our feelings of doubt, fear, guilt, shame, lack of faith and fear over all the “sins” in our lives! There seems to be this constant spiritual chorus of “look what YOU did, look what YOU did, Jesus will never forgive you, NOW! You have no hope!” And that’s their way of trying to deceive us and trick us. Because the bible clearly says in Romans 10:13 “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved”.

5. He and his demons are that small, still, subtle voice in our heads that say things like:

  •  “go ahead and buy that snack with trans fat, it’s not gonna effect your heart any”
  • “go ahead and kill yourself….Jesus won’t send you to hell for killing yourself”
  • “go ahead and cheat on your husband/wife (if married) or your boyfriend/girlfriend (if in a relationship), they DESERVE to be cheated on, God understands…really….”
  • “go ahead and relax for awhile….you don’t really NEED to read your bible EVERY single day to have a good spiritual relationship with the Lord, even every FEW days is fine”.
  • **it’s OKAY to be actively GAY and/or to live the GAY Lifestyle and to have/be in a homosexual marriage!**
  • “Muslims and Christians really DO worship the same God”.
  • “you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re no good, you’re never gonna amount to anything”
  • “your kids HATE YOU”
  • “your _______ HATES YOU” (rather it be your mother, father, grandmother, husband, wife, neighbor, etc.)
  • “Jesus Christ hates you!”
  • “You’re too much of a sinner for Jesus Christ to accept! There’s NO HOPE for you! Jesus Christ will NEVER forgive you!”
  • “your life’s never gonna get better!”
  • “you have REASON to hate this person……they don’t deserve any forgiveness by YOU…so don’t give them the satisfaction of YOUR forgiveness!”
  • “The Rapture is a false doctrine”
  • “The Lord will unleash his wrath on his true church during the Tribulation”
  • “demons don’t exist/Satan doesn’t exist/Jesus Christ/God doesn’t exist”
  • “there IS no such thing as hell”
  • “the lake of fire is not for eternity”
  • “you’ll NEVER be able to overcome your sin/addictions in your life” and MANY, MANY MORE!!!

6. The less of a fight we put up against Satan and his demons, the MORE he’s going to be able to FIGHT US and to infiltrate our mind, hearts, bodies and spirits!

7. The ONLY WAY to defeat Satan and his demons altogether is to:

  • Pray to Jesus Christ
  • Have Faith in Jesus Christ
  • Trust Jesus Christ
  • Wait on Jesus Christ for deliverance

8. But please know this: the harder and harder you try to fight off the Devil and his demons, the harder and harder that he’s gonna try to fight back! While there IS that passage in the bible in James 4:7 which states: Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you“, Satan only flees for a time, not forever.

Sooner or later, he will come back and start running through all the steps again……

“Hhhmm……I can’t break apart her marriage? Okay, lets see if I can make her become overcome with fear and anxiety. I can’t make her full of anxiety? Okay, lets see if I can get her to neglect bible study. I can’t get her to neglect bible study? Okay, I can make her husband cheat on her, etc.” and keeps going on and on and on down the list until he finds SOMETHING to FULL OUT SPIRITUALLY ATTACK a person with!

And then, once he has attacked a person on ONE thing, he will then oftentimes try to then attack a person with MULTIPLE THINGS so he can hold them down and KEEP THEM DOWN for as long as possible. Imagine if the game of Christian life were like a boxing ring. Once Satan has you down, he wants to hold you down for as long as possible. But Jesus is like the referee who won’t LET him hold you down any longer if you cry out to Jesus in fervent prayer & submit yourself to Jesus by not only OBEYING him but by TRUSTING HIM!

9. The spiritual battle is a subtle one, it doesn’t happen all at once. Maybe you don’t feel like reading your bible one day. And then maybe next week, you don’t feel like attending church. And then, the week after that, you don’t even feel like reading or meditating on the bible at all and become much too focused on “secular life”. It all starts out SO SMALL……then eventually leads up to things that are SO BIG…..problems in our lives that would indicate we’re in what the archangel Michael called to me during a partial N.D.E.”THE RED ZONE”. That is the point in our lives where we become SO overwhelmed with our sins and SO overwhelmed by the feelings of fear, guilt, shame, and disbelief, that we feel we are BEYOND HOPE and become MOST ESTRANGED from God/Jesus Christ! And that is THE MOST DANGEROUS place to be (in “THE RED ZONE”).

10. Whenever you feel OVERWHELMED with feelings of doubt, fear, insecurity, lack of faith, shame, guilt, or feel this ever-so-“strange”/”strong” urge to look at NEW AGE MATERIALS (Ouiji boards, Meditation, Yoga, Wicca), please realize that you are under SEVERE DEMONIC ATTACK and that if you actually SUBMIT to these feelings and NOT to Jesus Christ, there’s a chance your soul could be lost for ETERNITY! So please, I beg of you, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you discover you’re under “severe demonic attack”, PRAY TO JESUS CHRIST! IN FERVENT PRAYER, NEVER CEASING! For it is the ONLY WAY by which you will be able to free yourself from Satan’s attacks!

11. Remember that Satan HATES US (all those who’ve washed away our sins with the blood of the lamb, Jesus Christ), and that he will STOP AT NOTHING to OVERTAKE US! But don’t let him win! Put all your faith, trust and love into Jesus Christ, TODAY! And you can be sure! You WILL have a spot in Jesus’s eternal kingdom someday! 😉

“Lord Jesus, the name above all other names, I pray for all the lost souls out there or wayward souls that have strayed from you, lately. Please bring them back to you and bring them to a saving knowledge OF and trust IN you! Please shed light on just HOW Satan’s been at work in their lives, lately and give them the necessary spiritual tools to fight him off, once and for all, in their lives! Please help them to spiritually ENDURE until the end! Please help them have the faith in you that’s SO strong, that even death or the threat of death wouldn’t part them from you! Please give them a renewed strength, faith and hope in YOU! Please shed your light on them always, in this dark and fallen world. And Lord, if they are followers of other religions (particularly of the Catholic, Islam, Mormon, etc. religion), I pray that you work on their hearts and give them a renewed heart and renewed wisdom about the eternal truth that can ONLY be found in YOU! I pray that you bring them (as many as are willing) to the fold and that you bless them and keep them for eternity and that their newfound faith in you will NEVER fail them, no matter what. Amen”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How The Lord Saved Me From Suicide…..[UPDATED]

 

I’m very ashamed and embarrassed to admit this, but when I was around 19-21 years old, I had made around 5+ suicide attempts on my life. The reasons for my wanting to do so were varied but the number one reason I wanted to do it EACH individual time was because I had lost my faith/trust in Jesus Christ, falsely thought EACH time that Jesus Christ didn’t love me anymore, and was under MOST SEVERE DEMONIC OPPRESSION.

People seem to think that those who try to kill themselves are “stupid”, “foolish” or “weak” or what not but please BELIEVE ME when I say that WHEN a person attempts suicide, they feel as though they’re at the end of their rope and HAVE NO HOPE. Even CHRISTIAN PEOPLE who have strong faith can become suicidal (sometimes even REPEATEDLY suicidal – as was in my case) when they feel as though they’re all forgotten about by Jesus Christ, like Jesus Christ is no longer there in their lives or loves them anymore, when they began to feel as though they’re too “bad” to get into Paradise/Eternal kingdom of God, someday, etc.

But you’ve got to remember that Satan and his fellow fallen angels (DEMONS) are GREAT DECEIVERS. It all starts out SO SMALL, too. As in “man, I did REALLY, REALLY BAD on that test today” or “man, I’m such a loser” or the like. And then slowly over time, Satan and his demons try to go even further by putting the following FALSE THOUGHTS in one’s head:

“You’re ugly, you’re no good, you’re a loser, you’re never gonna amount to ANYTHING in life, you’ll never have kids/family of your own, no-one’s ever gonna want to marry you, Jesus Christ hates you, your name’s been permanently etched out of the Book of Life, hell awaits you, everybody hates you, nobody loves you, you’re stupid, you’re weak, everybody’s making fun of you and laughing at you behind your back, your life’s NEVER gonna get better, nobody will miss you/nobody will come to your funeral, Jesus Christ WILL forgive you if you kill yourself, you’re FAT, you’re HIDEOUS, everybody WANTS you to kill yourself, you’re dying of cancer, your Satanic-worshiping relative will go to eternal paradise someday and YOU won’t, it’s TOO LATE for you to be forgiven of your sins now, Jesus Christ will NEVER forgive all your sins, you’re such an IDIOT, YOU tried to kill yourself on more than one occasion, YOU made Jesus Christ CRY, etc.”

And even though most Christians KNOW in their heart of hearts that the false thoughts that Satan and his demons try to put into their minds, hearts, body and spirits are blatantly FALSE……..over time…….the thoughts become OVERPOWERING in their mind. And nothing they seem to say or do seems to “shut off” the thoughts. Some turn to the bible or to Jesus Christ and try to PRAY away their pain.

But then, they sometimes lose heart and lose their TRUST in Jesus Christ (and the fact that he has the power to change their lives around) when Satan and his demonoids RELENTLESSLY come at them with: “Oh, sure! Cry out to Jesus! He doesn’t give a *darn* about you or what happens in your life! Ah……He’s forgotten ALL about you, you poor fool! That’s why you’re in this mess in the first place! LOSER! LOSER! LOSER!” Yet OTHERS will try to turn to TV, music, movies, shopping, food and/or the internet to try to “drown out” their pain.

They began to relentlessly search for OTHER methods to try to drown out the pain and/or demonic influences trying to overtake them. Some turn to drinking or drugs to try to drown out those negative thoughts (which oddly, only manages to INCREASE the demons’ hold on their mind & spirit!) Others try listening to sad, depressing music, loud heavy metal, trance/new age to try to drown out the self-hatred/self-anger in their soul (which oddly, only seems to INCREASE IT!)

Sadly, listening to new age or heavy metal music actually invites demons to come into your mind, heart, body and spirit. Therefore, listening to “angry” heavy metal music or new age music doesn’t “help” the problem of negative thoughts (coming about from demonic oppression to the person), it only serves to EXACERBATE THEM. Yet others try to turn to Wicca/Witchcraft, thinking that The Craft will somehow help them gain control over their own lives………only to later realize that dabbling in Witchcraft has *damning consequences* to the mind, heart, body and spirit! (Once the demons are invited in, they very rarely go!!!!! Plus they make you do things you would NEVER normally do under normal circumstances. They become in COMPLETE CONTROL over you and your life becomes not your own anymore! Very scary, INDEED!)

Three separate times with the 19-21 years of age time-frame, I tried to smother myself, each attempt being months apart from the previous one. And EACH time, I was well within a single BREATH of my life, and I’d hear the sound of Jesus Christ sitting beside me on the couch/bed, BITTERLY BITTERLY BREAKING DOWN AND WEEPING and saying to me, “I know your apparent reasons for wanting to do this but WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?”, and AS he said those words to me during each of the 3 separate attempts, he would POWERFULLY and AGGRESSIVELY (perhaps even ANGRILY?) grab the pillow away from me and THROW it across the room!

And each and every time, I would simply KNOW it was him, no doubt in my mind, whatsoever! And I’d break down and cry afterwards, each and every time and would be ever so grateful that he saved me. And things would be okay for awhile. But then the total SHAME & GUILT would come in and overtake me: “YOU tried to kill yourself more than once! YOU made Jesus CRY!” and I would start to HATE MYSELF all over again. It was such a vicious cycle.

I made 3 more meager attempts at suicide within that 19-21 years of age time-frame but NONE of those times worked out. Something always happened. Either somebody would distract me by making a phone call to me and telling me they were coming over to the house, or the pills I tried to O.D. on did nothing TO me or a violent t-storm kept me too distracted to concentrate on killing myself. So I kind’ve gave up on trying to kill myself after awhile. I thought: “what’s the point in trying to kill myself if the Lord won’t even let me die, anyways?” But at the same time, I was almost in a sense somewhat angry at the Lord for not letting me kill myself. I remember saying outloud: “Lord, why can’t you just let me die in peace? Can’t you see I’m in ALOT of pain? I’m in SO much pain these days that I can barely even BREATHE!”

One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore and got to my breaking point again. I decided I should just end it all and reasoned with myself that hell would probably feel “sensational” compared to the current pain I was under. So as I sat at the computer one night, I decided to humor myself a bit and went to the site http://www.suicide.com thinking that maybe it would tell me some good ways to try to off myself. [And remember, even though I was grateful for Jesus saving me from all PREVIOUS attempts, up until that point, I had felt SO MUCH SHAME AND GUILT for even wanting to attempt it in the first place……and for making him cry……and that shame and guilt felt BEYOND OVERPOWERING……..

So I went on the website and the very first image I saw on the screen was an animated image of a white candle being lit on the left hand side of the screen. I thought to myself “hhmm……that’s weird”. And then I noticed italicized words being typed across the page (left to right)…..as if being typed on a typewriter. They were “scrolling” across the page. The words were saying things like “Hi, I am here to help you. And before you do anything drastic, I want you to wait a bit. Wait 5 minutes, hear me out, just read what I have to say.  I thought “okay, I can do that, sounds reasonable enough”.

And as the words (in bold black italic Comic Sans? font) were being typed & scrolled across the page, I was astounded at what I was reading. My first assumption was “hhmm. must be a computer tech guy on the website or something”. But then I noticed the “person” typing messages to me across the webpage seemed “super human”, almost “angelic”, even. For this “person” seemed to be reading my every waking thought! And then scroll-typing it across the page! Things about me, that up until that point, I hadn’t told a SOUL! And there was NO way this “person” could’ve possibly known all that, save they being a holy, divine angel of the Lord!

So my first question was “who are you?” The angel tried to say that it wasn’t important and that he had a job to do. But I pestered and pestered the angel. Finally, the “angel” admitted that he was Michael! Once I discovered the true identity of the “person” typing across the page [as in, the archangel Michael], I gave him a VERY hard time by asking outloud “oh yeah? if the Lord’s so good, how come he makes me suffer with severe depression and severe social anxiety?” while also reminding him of just how ANGRY the Lord had gotten with me a week earlier after I accidentally mocked Jesus without meaning to but that even then, I didn’t think I was worthy of life, now and things like that. In short, I was trying to keep Michael there as long as possible.

He told me about the realities of and just how HOT the fires of hell and the lake of fire are. He described it to me like this: “light a flame from a small lighter” (commanding me to do this literally, saying he’d wait for me until I did so). “Now hold your finger and/or hand over the flame. FEEL THE INTENSITY of that flame and how hot it is!” (Again, waiting for me until I did just that). Then he continued…..

“Now imagine a flame that’s 10,000 times hotter than the flame being placed under your hand now and that is just a small TASTE of what the fire of hell is like. And someday, the fires of hell are gonna MERGE INTO what’s called the lake of fire. The lake of fire is 1,000,000,000 times hotter than the fires of hell. And all those who don’t put their faith, trust and love into Lord Jesus will burn in the lake of fire for ETERNITY. Is that what you want? he asked.

I had to admit that no, that’s not what I wanted, that’s not what I wanted AT ALL. In fact, NONE of those times did I really want to die, I just wanted the pain the end. Michael reminded me JUST HOW LUCKY I was that the Lord Jesus cared SO much about me, that he wouldn’t let me die and go to hell any of those times. Michael reminded me that had Jesus Christ truly wanted to, he could’ve just let me die and sent me straight to hell…….the very same hell that Michael was describing to me across the webpage! [moments earlier]

At the conclusion of our discussion, (me speaking outloud or thinking to myself) and Michael responding to my thoughts and questions through his scrolling words across the webpage, he told me he had to quickly leave because he had another job to do (another suicide he must try to prevent), but made me promise I wouldn’t harm myself that night or the next couple nights to come.

I promised him I wouldn’t. Then I shut down my browser and completely turned off my computer. Afterall, Michael’s mission in the name of the Lord [atleast as far as “I” was concerned] had already been accomplished, or so I thought.

Right after I shut down my computer, I heard a soft whispering voice behind me say “look up at your blank monitor screen, hurry, you don’t want to miss it”. So I looked up at my blank monitor screen and across my blank, completely turned-off monitor screen were the scrolling words (from right to left) in light blue italic [what looked like 36pt or so Trebuchet MS] font: “The Lord Bless You and Keep You. Amen”. And then, just like that, the archangel Michael was gone, on to the next big assignment of trying to save yet ANOTHER poor soul from suicide, as he had just told me moments earlier before his telling me to look up at the blank computer screen.

And I just sat there, staring at my blank computer screen for quite some time, even going so far as to tenderly rub my hand across the blank computer monitor screen, pondering what had just happened. It was nothing short of a miracle! [YET AGAIN, in my life!] I broke down and cried! And just stared at that blank computer screen for HOURS. [Next to the day I met Jesus Christ in person near the age of 2, and next to the previous 3 times Jesus miraculously saved me from suicide, I had never felt so LOVED, CHERISHED and VALUED!)

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that ALL failed suicide attempts in one’s life are A TRUE GIFT FROM THE LORD ABOVE! (No one suicide attempt – if successful – is worth an eternity in hell/the lake of fire!!!!!). And the point I want to try to make is THIS: Just because the Lord Jesus Christ repeatedly saved ME or other people from suicide does NOT mean that he’s going to automatically save EVERYONE from suicide. And life is a gamble. Ya never know if you’d end up being one of the ones he prevented from suicide or if you’ll be one of the ones that he allows to go ahead and die.

THEREFORE, DON’T TRY TO KILL YOURSELVES, PEOPLE! Life is worth living! Talk to a trusted friend, family member, counselor, etc. if you’re feeling depressed! Do NOT keep it all bottled up inside! And if anyone close to you TELLS you to go kill yourself, DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! For Satan has many faces! And remember, Satan WANTS you to kill yourself so you’ll go to the flames FOR ETERNITY! But Jesus Christ does NOT want you to kill yourself! Jesus Christ WANTS you to live so that you can hopefully someday join him in Eternal Paradise! Jesus Christ CARES! 😉 And he loves you more than you could ever imagine, MARK MY WORDS! 😉

I pray that ALL souls who read this will be SAVED from suicide and severe depressive thoughts, now and for eternity. Amen.

P.S.: If you’re severely depressed and need someone to talk to, please write to: pray_to_Jesus@yahoo.com