Posts tagged ‘waiting on Jesus’

IMPORTANT: What Jesus WANTS For *Godly Relationships!*

For those who don’t yet know my testimony or my story, I’ll give a brief overview here:

I had met Jesus personally during a couple of near-death experiences (one at around 23 months of age and another at just 14 years old). And at age 19, I knew who Jesus was. I had a huge children’s illustrated bible at my disposal (shortly after near-death experience #1), as well as the “official” KJV version I took from a ski resort condo when I was 15.

But at age 19-20, I still had NO IDEA what a “Christian” even WAS, the full extent to WHAT Jesus had done for mankind on the cross, or about any of the “meanings” of the words (“grace”, “born again”, “salvation”, etc.) of what I was reading in the “official” version of the KJV bible I was reading. I was really struggling to understand what it all meant. Well, one day in the mail, I got a invitation to a play (put on by a church) called: “Heaven’s Gate and Hell’s Flames”.

At first, I didn’t want to go. I thought I’d feel like the odd one out compared to all the people who’d been going to church their whole lives! However, after some grappling with the Lord over it, (i.e. remember when Moses got nervous about being the spokesman of Israel?) I decided to bite the bullet and take a chance and go, anyways! Well, I’m glad I did! First of all, I guy I had gone to High-School with had played the part of one of the angels! So hey, atleast I knew SOMEONE there, right?

And after the play, they handed out some FREE literature (Specifically, a small, brand-new pocket-sized “God’s Word: New Testament & Psalms). They told me to read it, look over it and then call them if I had any questions about what I was reading. They also assigned to me something called a “prayer accountability partner”, even though I didn’t really know what that meant at the time. And even though I was grateful for the FREE play and FREE literature, I was still somewhat hesitant about “attending church”. I just felt OVERWHELMED!

So I didn’t end up becoming a member of that church. Instead, I thanked them for the free bible and begun to read that God’s Word translation from cover to cover at home, in my own free time. But what really got me were the very first introductory pages! They just explained things to me SO WELL! Plus they even put the most important things IN BOLD! I knew that Jesus had some wonderful things in store for me by having them give me that easy-to-understand version of the New Testament! It’s just exactly what I needed at that time!

And as I begin to read and pour over the pages, I FINALLY began to understand what all those “words” meant (i.e. “grace”, “born again”, “salvation”), about what Jesus did, about how we’re all sinners and about how ONLY Jesus can save us from our sins! And so once I felt I had a firm grasp and understanding on THAT God’s Word translation, I quickly decided I was then gonna read the “official” King James Version, cover to cover, no matter how long it took!

(Please keep in mind that I had NO job at this point, had broken up with my S.O. AND had gotten kicked out of college! I was living off of savings/credit cards at that point. So for 8 months straight, that’s how Jesus orchestrated that time in my life so that it was just me and Him at that time! And what a wonderful BLESSING that turned out to be! Jesus was giving me a break from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE so that I could PEACEFULLY learn more about HIM and HIS GOSPEL!)

I understood most of everything I had read and was “amazed” at all the “love stories” (Boaz and Ruth, Jacob and Rachel, Isaac and Rebekah) that I had read! And I was young and filled with promise! I thought: “Hey, if it could happen to these folks in the bible, it can happen to ME, too!” I had this idea or picture in my mind that I’d meet my spouse by the age of 25, have kids by 30, and have a house by 35! In fact, don’t we ALL have pre-conceived notions in our mind like that?

So even though I had the KNOWLEDGE of Jesus and his gospel by age 21, I didn’t quite yet have the FAITH in Jesus that’s required! And so, for many years afterwards, that LACK OF FAITH in Jesus (concerning my love-life and considering other areas of my life) did me some SERIOUS HARM!

In fact, I was “mad at Jesus” for not bringing me a spouse for such a long, long time! I’m ashamed to even type this across the page but my “thoughts” for a LONG time concerning my love-life were the following: Jesus, you bring EVERYONE ELSE a spouse but not ME! Why? What’s wrong with ME? What are you punishing ME for? What wrong have “I” done against thee? Why am “I” not so-called deserving of a spouse but yet, other people seemingly ARE? Those people don’t even worship you AT ALL and they got a spouse before me! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Tell me WHY!!!!???” 

I ended up not only being angry and bitter for MANY YEARS towards a few people that had majorly hurt me in my life but I also later ended up in FOUR consecutive abusive relationships! (Note: I had gotten so tired of “waiting on God” at that particular point in my life that I decided to “take matters into my own hands”).

Though none of them were physically abusive (I atleast got lucky in THAT regard), they were all emotionally, psychologically, mentally and SPIRITUALLY ABUSIVE! They CUT AWAY at my self-esteem, made me doubt myself, somewhat made me doubt God/Jesus, tampered with my faith, got me feeling VERY hopeless and depressed and ALMOST completely RUINED ME as a Christian! 

I had SO MUCH HATE in my heart towards the individuals who hurt me. “How could they?” I thought: “Jesus, how could you ALLOW that to happen to me at the hands of these people? Don’t you care about me AT ALL, Jesus? I was in this bitter, bitter place of anger, hurt, resentment, restlessness and mental/emotional ANGUISH! I was TORMENTED by the angered hatred I felt for those those individuals!

Odd thing is, I didn’t even really WANT to hate those individuals but my PRIDE got in the way of that! Even when Jesus gently said to me in my spirit: Told ya so! You should’ve listened to me and done things MY way, instead of your OWN way”, I was STILL stubborn about it. “But you don’t understand, Lord! You don’t understand what it’s like to be ME!” And the Lord seemed to say to me in my spirit, in response: “I CREATED you! I know you better than you even know YOURSELF!” 

It wasn’t really until I was about 30 years old or so that Jesus began to “soften” my heart towards the individuals who had hurt me and I began to see how my hate and resentment was EATING AWAY AT ME ON THE INSIDE! The Holy Spirit even revealed to me that my “hate” was eating away at MY SOUL! Wow! What a powerful, convicting description!

Eventually, I surrendered all that hurt, anger, fear, resentment to Jesus. I prayed: “Jesus, I don’t WANT to hate or resent anymore, it’s already taken SO MUCH from me! I WANT to be able to FORGIVE, so please HELP ME to FORGIVE and MOVE ON, as I know I can’t do it alone……only WITH your divine help, Lord!

And ya know what? Jesus IS faithful and true! He DID help me to forgive them. He pointed out SEVERAL things to me. First of all, he informed me that the people who hurt me were themselves hurting on the inside. Secondly, they didn’t even fully consciously realize how much they had hurt me. Thirdly, Jesus wanted me to know that it wasn’t my fault and that their OWN healing would ALSO someday come about BY my forgiving them! Wow! Such powerful words of wisdom!

And AS I forgave them [Jesus had me starting out by writing “forgiveness letters” to each person who had hurt me – though I had never hand-delivered the letters to them personally], I felt SO MUCH BAGGAGE lift OFF of me and my SPIRIT! I felt FREE for the first time in a VERY long time! My SOUL felt FREE! I felt PEACE! I felt LOVE! I felt JOY! I felt CONTENTMENT!

I no longer had “heart palpitations” or “anxiety attacks!” It was like a HUGE ANCHOR had been LIFTED off of me! I no longer felt “weighed down” by anger and hate! In fact, I was the happiest I had ever been! In fact, people started to notice. The relationships with the people who had hurt me began to DRASTICALLY improve! It was nothing short of a MIRACLE! (This was when I was around age 34 or so, I believe?)

However, even at 34, there was still alot of “spiritual work” to be done! Because at THAT point in my life, I STILL had no idea about the TRUTH about church history, the Judeo roots of Christianity, etc. I would learn all of that later (like, age 36 or so). It’s funny how the Lord reveals things to me in “stages”. Sometimes, I wish he’d reveal things to me all at once, but that’s a different post for a different day! 😉 Jesus has also (in the last several months) helped me to soften my heart towards HIMSELF, concerning certain things in my life! 

Okay, now fast forward to today. Even though I’ve been a Christian for about 20 years now, I’ve only most recently learned what Jesus expects for a GODLY RELATIONSHIP (be it a relationship, a friendship, a marriage, etc.) And what I learned in the series just BLEW ME AWAY! Wow! How had I not ever seen this before? And then I got to thinking. How many OTHERS out there have not seen this before? Probably SEVERAL

I’ve most recently viewed an 8-part series and a powerful one-hour+ sermon on the matter. And ALL of them were eye-opening! And ALL of them ask the same questions: “Am I seeking a spouse with the RIGHT spiritual mind, heart and attitude before God? If not, why? If so, is it GOD’S time for me to have a spouse yet? If not, am I willing to wait on God instead of giving in to my own selfish desires? And if already married, am I bringing Christ INTO the marriage?” 

I will embed all the videos down below. [NOTE: PLEASE GET OUT A PEN AND PAPER AND TAKE LOTS OF NOTES!!!!!] I pray and hope that these will help you and enlighten you as much as they helped and enlightened ME! 😉 The first video is entitled “5 Keys To Identifying Your SoulMate” by Toure Roberts in L.A. and the next SEVERAL videos are the 8-PART series by Michael Todd from Transformation Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma!

Self-Sabotaging: I Never Knew……Until NOW….

Self-sabotaging.

It can come in many other forms besides just drugs, crime, self-cutting, etc.

It took me awhile to see this, but I have most recently discovered that I am my own worst enemy; meaning that I am the only one who’s sabotaging myself and my life. And trust me, that was a hard pill for me to swallow.

Most recently, the Lord Jesus has shown me just how MUCH I’ve been self-sabotaging myself and my relationships in my life and also just how MUCH my life would be different if I were to lean on him and TRUST him, instead of just always trying to do things MY way.

I’ve seen Christians judging other Christians right and left and I always used to say to myself “I’ll never be like one of those”. Looking back however, it kind’ve reminds me of the parable/story in the bible where two men go to pray. One of them says “thank you Lord that I am not like THOSE men” while the other man said “oh Lord, please have mercy on me, a sinner!” The first man was a Pharisee and the second man was a poor man. And in my own self-righteousness in my past, I became like the Pharisee (something I had always sworn to myself that I’d never become).

But anyways, back to the story. So due to my employment struggles and life struggles, I began to feel disillusioned and like the whole entire world was against me (even those close to me). I began to think negative thoughts of myself and others over time (I admit this to my shame) and then, it wasn’t long before the “resentment” started to eat away at me and consume me. I then became VERY pessimistic of a person and even downright “irritated” with people who were happy and joyous in life or that trusted the Lord completely. (Though deep, deep down, I was jealous. I wanted to trust the Lord as much as THEY did and to also feel the joy that THEY feel, being right with God). But the Devil kept tearing away at me night and day saying “you’re already too far gone, there’s no hope for you” and “Jesus hates you now”.

And for awhile there (I also admit this to my shame), I started believing the Devil’s lies. And it wasn’t long before I wasn’t able to trust anyone or ANY THING in my life. Whenever someone was friendly with me, I’d say to myself “yeah right, they’re being fake with me”. Whenever a guy would try to innocently look at me or ask me out, I’d say “yeah right, he probably only wants one thing”. Whenever I had a friend say to me “don’t worry about your past friends that stabbed you in the back, I never would”, I’d think “yeah right, you’re probably just as bad if not WORST than my other friends”. And whenever I’d get a job interview and wouldn’t get the job, I’d assume the worst and just start to automatically shut down and give up saying to myself “my gosh, if THIS place won’t hire me, then probably NOBODY will hire me!”

It even got to the point where I was even starting to get paranoid, fearing that people were talking bad about me at the grocery store, at the gas station, etc. And I even started to blame the people most close to me for all the things that were going wrong in my life, even.

Only most recently did Jesus Christ open up my eyes by more or less spiritually saying to me “Ya know what? Next to Satan, you’re your own worst sabotager and own worst enemy that I know”. He then raised his voice a little in the dream and more or less asked “WHY WON’T YOU WAIT ON ME AND TRUST ME? DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING? ESPECIALLY SINCE I CREATED THE UNIVERSE AND THE HEAVENS AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN? WHY WON’T YOU TRUST ME? I **DO** HAVE A PLAN, AFTERALL….IF YOU WILL ABIDE IN ME, THAT IS….” (there seemed to be some sort of doubt or hesitation in his voice about rather or not I would abide in him or not).

But one thing is clear: the only person responsible for all the actions in my life (rather good or bad) is me, myself and I. It’s not my loved ones’ fault that I’m depressed and having trouble finding employment these days. It’s not my loves ones’ fault that none of my relationships have been successful so far. All of it is attributed to ME. Because the truth is, I’m depressed, having trouble finding employment and have yet to have a successful relationship DUE to the fact that I had most recently strayed from the Lord. And this is just the Lord chastising me.

The Lord had said to me “write this person a letter and apologize”. I didn’t do it for the longest time. The Lord said “ask this person the question ‘what are your thoughts on life & God?’ ” and I didn’t do it. The Lord said “apply for this part-time job or perhaps that one”. I didn’t do it. Instead, I just sat around and wallowed in my own self-misery for a long time, with a “woe is me” attitude. And look where that got me! It got me absolutely NOWHERE!

So please…..I beg of you! DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I’VE MADE, MOST RECENTLY! Don’t sabotage the good things in your life out of distrust or fear. Don’t refuse to obey the commands of the Lord. TRUST JESUS AND WAIT ON JESUS CHRIST and have the total FAITH that he will see you through, no matter what! Do NOT make the same mistake I did and find yourself in front of the face of Jesus in a dream with Jesus turning to you and saying that next to Satan, you are your own worst sabotager and greatest enemy!

Moral of the story? TRUST JESUS CHRIST ALWAYS……..NO MATTER WHAT. Faith is EVERYTHING. For we can not enter Jesus Christ’s “New Earth” someday without faith. Faith is the thing that will either make us or break us in the end. So please, I beg of you. If you don’t have faith, PRAY to have faith. Pray to have more faith with ALL your heart, ALL your mind, ALL your body, and ALL your spirit and it shall be granted you. MARK MY WORDS!